Hey! Welcome back to my blog! I've gotten a lot of warm messages in regards to my last post, and I appreciate every single one of them. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, and thank you for the encouraging words :) I'm extremely happy that my story made some of you that read it feel not as alone. Today, I'm feeling much better about the whole situation, and I have a much brighter outlook on it. My mental health has improved significantly too, and I'm writing this post to share how I dealt with my recovery/healing journey. Enjoy! (warning: I will be really honest and vulnerable, so if you don't want to read depressing stuff, please click away!)
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| Memes are my coping mechanism okay |
Now, where do I begin... I guess my mental health started to get worse during Sem 3 of my college days and it was mostly due to academic-related stress, but simultaneously because of my social life. I'm not gonna talk much about why that latter part is because it's quite private, but let's just say that I was struggling in the sense that I couldn't be my complete self in large group situations (large as in more than 4 people in a group ahaha). This in turn made me think negatively about myself, blaming myself why can't I just be a bit more extroverted sometimes, and lowkey thought that my friends never really liked me (yeah it got that bad huhu). I spent so many nights crying all alone in my room because of this negative thinking, but I gotta put on a strong face because I got priorities to focus on! At the time I believed all these were tests from God, and if I was patient enough to go through all that, I will enjoy the rewards soon enough.
When I got my Cambridge decision back and found out I got rejected, I was pretty bummed out not gonna lie. This was pretty normal, as I did put a lot of effort into my application. But I recovered from it pretty quickly because at least I got a conditional offer from UCL. My next problem was finding ways to get extra funding so that I could actually fly to UCL, but we all know how that turned out :') Preparing for A2 exams and applying for multiple scholarships at the same time added to the stress which I still hadn't recovered from Sem 3, but yet again I kept being patient through all that, hoping that all these tests will finally come to an end and that my reward was being able to study at UCL. One of the interviewers from the scholarship that I applied for making me feel so bad about my financial situation that I literally broke down crying after I ended the interview call :') Yet again, I couldn't break down completely because I still got A2 exams to prepare for!
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| Pain |
A few more scholarship rejections later, I was ready to call it quits on trying to find extra funding and just settle for UNMC. I didn't spend much time ruminating on that fact at the time because I was focused on A2 exams. Once I finished my A-level and got back to Sabah, only then I had the time to reflect on what the heck happened over the past year alone. Everything that I planned to achieve during my time in KY did not happen, and in the end, I didn't get anything that I prayed so hard for. Looking back, this was where the REAL test was. The test on my faith. Oh boy did I struggle. I started to get really resentful, and most of the time thinking: "I went through hell, and for what!?" I started to become anti-social and be really distant from my friends (ie not replying to their texts for a few days, not reaching out to them as much as I used to, and giving out dry responses). Any tiny glimpse or reminders of my friends flying to the UK hurt so so much, that I had to delete IG a few times.
That phase lasted for a few months. I hated the person that I was becoming and that just added to my already negative mindset. Any advice (whether it was religious or just general advice) would go into one ear but out the other. But once I started to live in my university dorm room, I spent a lot of time feeling through the pain and crying it out (I need privacy to do that hshs). Talking to my roommate also helped a lot, because she would listen to my rants so intently and that made me feel a lot better. Slowly, I started to realise why I wasn't meant to go to UCL, and that this whole time, God was just trying to protect me. There are still things unanswered and I'm still trying to figure them out, but just these tiny realisations accelerated my healing process so much. Now, I'm much happier than I was a few months ago. I don't feel resentful anymore, and I can finally feel genuine joy for myself, and most importantly for other people. I'm also trying to be more social again.
The reason why I'm sharing this experience is not that I want to gain sympathy from anyone who reads this, no. Instead, I want to show that things do get better and you will feel better. For anyone that is hurting right now, I know it can feel impossible to get better. Everyone will heal eventually, but the time frame differs for each person. Some people take a few days to feel better, some take years. Please don't give up, and most importantly please reach out to people for help. I wish I had done that earlier because it would've made me feel better faster. Secondly, I'm writing this so that readers can be more empathetic towards others. If you notice any one of your friends start to become distant, please reach out to them. Ask them if they're okay. A tiny gesture of concern goes a long way.
Once again, thank you for reading. I'll see you guys in my next post. Bye!
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